what we talked about in the healing school

Corinne would be proud of me.

Long time ago, in the IM School of Healing Arts, we talked a lot about how we make a decision to be ... hm, how to say it properly... proactive, alive, present in our lives.

Finally I got it. It really is like that - making a decision.

Something happened to me and I was feeling very low. My healing mentor Harry told me I was low on a certain nutrient and I had to go get it asap, take it as a pill. Well, my body should be producing that nutrient.

I asked Harry: what is causing the deficiency? How can it be prevented? And he didn't know.

So, I thought to myself: when was the last time I felt like this? When I had the same symptoms? What was going on in my life?

Then I remembered Gurdjieff work: how G talks about how human organism is like a fine machine, very intricate mechanism, and how it produces energy on which we live and also extra energy from which we grow finer bodies. ANd how negative emotions are like setting explosions in that fine factory, and destroying entire supplies of energy, leaving us tired and depleted and exausted.

It made me think... connecting the dots... I prayed. Very intensely. Something was listening.
I realized that my problems were because I haven't prayed in a long time. I didn't want to. God messed up, I messed up, and it seemed pointless to pray and meditate. God set me up with all kinds of stupid people and the whole situation is pretty bleak. I felt alone amongst insane. And God made it so. I didnt wanna talk to God and I "stayed in my room" sulking. But lack of contact with God was killing me.
So I realized that and realized I need that spiritual vibe asap, I need it to live.

Then I went home and googled Dala Lama, and luckily found him on youtube. I listened to Dalai Lama speeches and I got the answer to my question, what kind of negative emotion was destroying my supplies of energy and what was necessary to heal that.

The problem was because I was getting very angry with cruelty and stupidities that people do. Like the association not fixing my apartment, like tenants not paying rent, destroying my unit and even harassing me on the street, like Born Again hiding his religious beliefs from me, etc. I cannot comprehend why someone would be so creepy to cheat like that. It just is incomprehensible. It made me very angry. The Auyrvedic doctor told me that a while ago, I didn't really understand it, now I do; he was correct. I could not comprehend why people can be so cruel and stupid, and not understanding that, I was getting very angry. Not having some sane influence around me, I felt really isolated and alone, which made me even angrier and more desolate. I felt alone in hell called life on Earth.
I was often told I am "wired differently" "as a healer." Apparently, being sane and normal and totally abnormal on this planet.... where most people are not really human. They are something else, something stupid and cruel and unaware.

I don't know why and how I am different, but I am different. Listening to Dalai Lama made me feel so comforted. FINALLY THERE WAS ONE SANE PERSON TO TALK WITH. Dalai Lama was like a breath of fresh air. What he said made sense. FINALLY SOMEONE SANE. I was not alone in this hell called life on Earth. I was relieved.

So I just switched the switch, internally. Yes, you just ask for it, and it happens. I realized I was making exactly the mistake that Dalai Lama mentioned - anger, and I decided I wanted to go the route that Dalai Lama was recommending -opening the heart in compassion, because it is the only right way. So -

I fell asleep while listening to Dalai Lama speaking, and I woke up completely different. Like a totally different person. Totally refreshed.

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Now I was grading and getting angry again - how can students be so careless - but again - not everyone is intelligent. And most youngsters these days don't know how to study. So - threading lightly and compassionately - and persistently.

Like Thich Nat Han: combination of slow like a snail and lethal like heavy machinery.
Like tai chi masters: like an iron chain - flexible and heavy.