persisting

Two weeks ago, I was at the NMT class, which was too much for me - being in a room stuck with a bunch of asleep people just overpowered my ability to handle crowds. I just cannot do that anymore. Working by myself actually made me spoiled - I am used to peace and quiet. So, 2 days indoors in a small room with lots of people was just too much, I was exausted.

The week after that was a good week because I realized I was behind, so I put in effort to coach myself and then the week turned out well.

Then comes this week. I phoned my ex boyfriend, the religious fundamentalist, to see what he was up to, because I felt something nagging me. Well, he was up to praying DAILY for "my salvation" which he already promised several times he won't do. I told him to pray to his own salvation and leave me alone. Which he flat refused! He said that he cares for me so much that he has to pray for me, every day. I had to spend 5 mins convincing him to stop because I simply refuse to be the recipient of such "care" and I think that his "god" is a silly and rather deadly and evil human construction designed to keep people enslaved, just like himself; and that his "praying" is just a way to look good to himself, so no thanks, find something else to pray about. The net result feeling was that I was just exausted and rather scared, here is this stalker praying to put me into his christian bag and make me into a cookie cutter zombie like himself.

It takes some effort to overcome being involved with a crazy person like that, it has consequences in terms of getting them out of one's energy field.

So comes this week and having to overcome that feeling of having to deal with the consequences of my mistake of getting involved with this crazy person. Well, we move on! And quickly, since I am already over 40 and there is no time to waste with wrong boyfriends. Wrong boyfriends are deadly, because they are draining. There is no time for that.

BTW, in the view of what I realized regarding inner child last week, applies directly to all these "christians". This boyfriend ran away because "god" scolded him for trying to sleep without being married, and that's plainly stated in the Bible, so! This guy has done so MANY things that the Bible flat condems, and many things that my God would have trouble with. Bible says no divorce. It says love your neighbor as thyself. This guy violated Bible all the time - was estranged from his wife for years, divorced her, and so on. This guy violated what I would call "God" by being distant and non-loving, etc. To me, that is totally against God, which is about compassion, love, sharing, service, honesty, kindness, being present, being in the moment, etc.

So obviously, this fear of sex is something irrational that Christians have, and it must come from the childhood, where someone really scared the kid into believing that sex is soemthing dangerous that will be punished. And no wonder - if someone is so stupid to think that Hooters is interesting, they obviously have NO CLUE about sex at all and would get in trouble and thus better be regulated by an external authority, like church. And church surely exploits that... And of course, the cycle gets worse, because without any real "compass" inside, such people are totally left at the mercy of Hooters and such, which exploit the basic human urge covered with the sense of guilt and shame.

"Abstinence makes church grow fondlers."

What I learned from this "christian" is how they PRETEND that they do not feel anything that is "bad", so their whole life is a lie; and how vicious they are to keep the lie going. As I said, some persona inside really IS SCARED.

That persona inside is scared of coming close and being in the moment. The issue of sex is really not the issue. The main issue is that this guy has done pretty attrocious things in terms of not being honest and not being close, not working things out, not communicating with me, but always doing his own thing and alone. THAT is the issue. Which he is trying to get out of by having this wonderful exuse of Bible. There are other issues, such as love. He didn't really love me, he liked the idea of having something exotic far away and imagining how grand he is. Seems like this was not meant to be love anyways, when I look back, I did not love him fully (partially because he was distant and maybe because I would never love him anyways) and he is trying to save his face and get out with a "legit" exuse that makes him look good.

So what I concluded is that two people have to come to face each other fully, without any masks and pretenses, and then see if really there is a match. If there is, then details work out. If there isn't, then at least there is honest and amicable parting.

PS - it is impossible to deny oneself what one truly feels. The only thing a human being can do is be honest to oneself. Which is an art in itself and requires a LOT OF PRACTICE. WHich can *never* be found at church, and can be found only at the feet of a true spiritual teacher.

Communicating with the inner child

In hawai'ian ho'oponopono practice, it is said that a human being has three parts:

the higher mind, called 'the father' - this mind communicates directly with God;

conscious mind, called "the mother" - this mind balances the checkbook, etc. AND it also has to initiate communication with the subconscious mind;

subconscious mind, called "the child" - this is the only one who can go to the higher mind and communicate back to the conscious mind.... The subconscious mind listens to EVERYTHING we say, do, feel, etc and takes notes... To it, it is all true...

So, conscious mind, the mother, has to WILLINGLY INITIATE communication with the higher mind, the father, by ASKING the subconscious mind, the child, to go to the father and talk with him and bring the answers back.

Wow - what a concept.... The conscious mind is not a monster, and it has to start the contact. This is the first step in ho'oponopono, or the mediation/forgiveness/cut the ties/move on practice. There is really no precise translation in English.

So, anyways, here I am, stuck in rush hour traffic by the surf beaches, and thinking about the massage I just had, which went very well, the person felt better. I remembered what my family ALWAYS REPEATED TO ME: that I don't have a clue about anything, that I am nobody, will never amount to anything, will fail in life miserably... And I contrasted that to the reality of me being good at what I do.

So, I said to my inner child: "See, they lied to you!" I had a feeling that something inside me was listening carefully. WEll, it always does, but this time I was aware of it :) So I continued: "your father lied to you." The kid actually could agree with my point, probably because it was obvious. I kept on going: "and your mother, and your aunty, uncle, grandma..." And the kid looked very HURT and snapped back at me: "Stop it!!! You are trashing my whole family and you cannot do that!!! They are my family and they are right!!!" The kid was defending them, in spite of what bad stuff they did, because the kid loved them and needed them and WAS WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO FIT IN. So, if the adults said that she was incapable and will fail, she was ready to be that. She WAS that. She forced herself to be that.

I was astounded. I had to work more gently with that... I had to kinda adopt the kid all over. That helped. I felt much more peace. Somehow, all my need to prove myself, all the worries about being inadequate, all that - just disappeared...

A few days later, I was ranting and raving about something I didn't like, my conscious mind was raving madly, cursing at this or that. Suddenly, I had a definite feeling that my inner child was witnessing all that and was TOTALLY petrified. To it, I was mad, out of control, definitely not paying attention to it, and even capable of doing damage to it. I was stopped frozen in my tracks. My kid was basically witnessing a rampage into extreme negativity and violence and NEGLECT. To explain it some more, maybe it is energetically equivalent to rampages alcoholics or drug addicts can go on (although I have no clue about what that is like, I have never even seen it, I suspect that energetically it has the same "signature" of extreme negativity and self destruction).

In any case, I had a clear notion that my inner child thought I was insane and dangerous. I understood ... to the child, it was obvious that I wasn't following the rules of survival, and that my conscious mind will actually lead to disaster, and naturally, the child was scared. I dropped that attitude as a hot potato. I stopped it immediatelly and appologized. That helped... and there is more, I didn't really fix it yet.

Looking back, I was torturing myself the same way my family tortured me, and there is a long list of abuses to my inner child that I need to forgive myself for.

NMT experience

After finishing my first class in neuromuscular therapy (which is basically trigger point therapy plus) with Judith DeLaney, author of many books on the subject, some things are clearer to me.

Background: people who have pain and/or problems are more likely to seek NMT, rather than just people looking for a relaxing massage hour. NMT is not necessarily always relaxing, as the trigger points can be painful. But, pressing them helps to reduce them, which makes the original pain go away... The trick is to find exactly which points are the major culprits. For example, trigger points in the neck cause headache. Pressing those trigger points hurts like hell - for a while - and then that pain goes away and headache goes away.

Trigger points are like contractile devices in human tissue. They do shorten/tighten the tissue and prevent it from stretching. When they are gone, the tissue can elongate to its normal size.

So, NMT is deeply changing structurally, i.e. it changes the way the human body is positioned in space. Therefore, it produces major inner change too, it makes the person "face themselves" in many ways. Rolfing has similar effects.

Seems to me that NMT can be the only solution for someone who has pain, esp. for a long time. All other techniques, like Bowen, etc. can be too "light" and not really produce the fine point work into releasing the trigger points. In other words, if the problem is mainly caused by some trigger points, they must be released or else there is no resolution.

****** The main thing that I concluded is that it is critical how well the therapist can "track" the client, and find exactly the right areas/lines/spots to work on.
Even if someone is trained in NMT or whatever other therapy, if they don't have that ability to "track" and solve problems, there will be no help. *******

After 2 days of being treated by NMT in this class, I came home with some issues resolved and feeling better, and some areas not worked on and feeling frustrated about the pain and tightness there (my partner just refused to work there much, for whatever reasons). Taking what was accomplished and relaxed, I came home and slept for about 8 hrs, woke up at 7:30am to take the car to the service; while waiting had some realizations that were pretty disturbing, came home at 10am and thought about it untill 11am and it was really disturbing, and then I slept till about 3pm, when finally I felt like myself again. Needless to say, I have never done this. Obviously, whatever I "saw" and the physical changes in me were so profound that my body and psyche needed to majorly rest.

In short, deep changes like these require careful handling, processing time afterwards, and some assistance of someone trained who can help us process.

Letter to some spa owners

I went for an interview at a very fancy luxurious "vacation rental spa" kind of place which claimed they wanted to be a healing center. Based on what they were saying and how they treated me and the healing, I had high doubts if indeed it was going to be a healing center and not just a corporate vacation resort spa. I charged them my full price because I wanted to see if they are cheapskates like other spas, or really some kind of healing resort. I am done with spas and other cheap places like that. They are cheap in every way - what they pay, the quality of massage they provide, the healing atmosphere, the politics, etc. So this place failed the test, and below is my email response to them.

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Hi,

I was at your property twice and gave you massages. Somehow I displaced your cards and was corresponding with your employee X, who informed me that $120 per massage is too much to pay and that you will not need my services. It is ok that I don't work for you, I am doing fine on my own and am rather famous and getting even more famous, because my treatments are effective. Why I am writing to you now is to clear up some possible misunderstandings that your employee could have introduced. First, she got the price wrong, I charged $85. That price is phenomenally reasonable for at-home massage from a therapist of my caliber.

If indeed X is speaking for herself, then it is understandable from a person in her position. If not, then my point is very different.

To explain further, to me the bottom line is a good massage, and what makes it or breaks it is the massage therapist. That's the know-how. Bodywork is an art form. The therapist is the key to everything. Not the luxurious environment. It is the fundamental difference between looks and inner content, between what is materially visible and what is invisible and understanable only through the heart and the Higher Mind. In short, it is the major contention that the humanity deals with, either belief in the physical world of the ego or the spiritual world of God. Not to mention the therapeutic benefits - no luxurious environment will fix any pain, only a good massage can - and only a competent therapist can do that. A typical therepist provides one hour of relaxation, and that's it, and cannot really deeply affect anything. Some things can be transmitted only via live human contact. For that, the looks are totally irrelevant.

There are places where the looks is more important than the people who provide the service. I left the spa and resort world because those places are like that - they look luxurious but pay so little to everyone who works there. So, the service is actually low quality. The massage therapist is just yet another servant.

Only people who are not good enough to have private practice will go work for a spa. Because those are dead-end jobs - they pay so little that the massage therapist can never take classes and get better. Also, because such jobs don't really require good massage skills, but just being "nice" and rubbing someone, anyone nice can do them and really doesn't have to be any good. I have seen just a few somewhat decent massages in resort spas. Honestly.
Also, in spa massages, no real healing is required. It is a corporate environment where you walk in, someone rubs you, and then you walk out. Deep conversation, personal Inner Work, and all that are definitely not expected. And, no results is expected.

Of course! When the therapist is paid 35$ per hour minus tax. What else can be expected?

That's why the Lady Owner was amazed that I made her back feel better. She said that nobody ever made it feel that good. Have you ever wondered how come, after working in spas for so long, nobody could actually fix it? How much training did they have, how much money did they make, and how much continuous education did they go for; and what kind of cases did they work on in their practice? A typical spa therapist can give only shallow answers to any of these questions.

So, I came to your location really wondering if it is a "spa" or not, and would I want to work there or not. I am a healer, a genuine Native trained person, extremely well trained, with a lot of experience, having 99% successes with helping difficult conditions, and constantly learning. I want to work only in places that are Real. I want to learn and grow.
Since I worked on you, I already took: classes with Vladimir Janda and Carel Lewitt (about 300$), Bowen therapy (425$ and 2 days of no work, twice), Inner Work weekend in Seattle with famous author Jacob Needleman (450$ and 4 days of no work), lomilomi with a local kumu (200$), rolfing (150$), neuromuscular therapy with a famous author ($350), and so on. There is a lot more I do. I am more knowledgeable and more effective, every day.

Of course, that is possible because I get paid accordingly. I get paid well. The service I provide is of high caliber, so I get paid well. That's the bottom line.

If you want good service, you have to pay for it. We always get what we pay for.

Anyone cheap cannot possibly be good, period. If you want "the best" therapists, then you should be ready to pay accordingly. "The best" therapists for cheap price are questionably "best."

As for me, I increased my prices. A rolfer charges 125$ for one hour at their location. For me to have to drive for one hour massage is 3 hours project, plus gas. I better be paid for my time. I am very good at what I do. If I were someone mediocre scrambling to work just anywhere and be happy with peanuts, I could have worked for a spa. They book several massages in a row and also provide medical benefits. But why bother with that? I am so good, I can choose. People are vying for my services because I can actually help them. Someone without any issues might be happy to go to any therapists, but if someone really needs help, on any level, they have to come to someone like me. There are very very few people like me. Someone like me is extremely rare and thus extremely valuable.

Have a nice summer,
Milica

BTW, this email is copyrighted 2008 by Milica Barjaktarovic. It contains some powerful ideas that are being published.

neuromuscular therapy (NMT)

I attended an NMT class and the results are amazing.

Finally a bigger picture is emerging.

A lot of massage therapists just basic Swedish massage, as relaxation massage, or some light version of therapeutic massage. Yeah, it can feel good, but when you get up, you are the same old you.

Rolfers seem to know the "canned" 10 sessions that remold the whole body. Many of them do not know how to work with someone in smaller more focused chunks, e.g in case of injuries and pain. I love rolfing for its ability to remold the body. That is the way to go. Make real, true change. But how to do that for each person individually.

Chiropractors typically yank bones around using high velocity, high impact. When muscles are tight, they pull those bones right back out again. Very often we feel pain in area X but the problem is in area Y, and yes, often the pinched spinal nerves are a problem, BUT the nerves are often pinched because muscles are tight. Just working on the spine is often not enough, there are LOTS MORE muscles and connective tissue that can be related. So, a chiropractic adjustment will typically not work on someone who is full of trigger points.

Bowen therapy also doesn't work on people full of trigger points. I tried it. After one day in Bowen intro class, my neck was feeling better, but my old foot injury was hurting. If one day of learning Bowen can do that to someone, then it is not really a safe technique. Also, my neck didn't really change at all structurally, it just was more relaxed. I use Bowen to relax people whose muscles are really really tight. Then I use some more deeper, structurally changing technique.

Cranio sacral therapy also doesn't get rid of trigger points and tightness. WHen there are trigger points, the CST cannot really fully work. It sort of assumes a body that is relatively ironed out to begin with. Again, sometimes it is makes a wonderful relaxing entry into deeper, structurally changing work.

The way I was taught shiatsu didn't include injuries and pain much. Lomi practitioners and teachers are often the same way.

NMT seems to work, because it changes things deeply. It is dangerous too! Therapists can exert pressure to wrong places and hurt people. Therefore, this line of work requires a lot more training, like rolfing. It is more along medical lines. People who will seek such treatments are more likely to be in pain and thus more vulnerable to being injured.

reasons to run away from God

SOme personal things kept me very aware this week, I just finished a bout of black comedy. Working dilligently on the assignment of my friend Dr. Todd, I tried to have a relationship with a willing guy, who is - a devout Christian. Well, Dear Lord Jesus talked to him and told him that he is very displeased about sleeping before marriage, and the guy got majorly scared and ran away as fast as he could... that should be a good scene for a movie.

Seems like such species will use Church as an excuse. To them, God is like a Big Daddy, that one must appease in order to save one's ass. Those people live in fear that God will get them. So they try to be "good." They *pretend* they ARE "good." It is very delusional and very immature.

Which made me ponder about my own beliefs. As an atheist, seems like I downplay God and do whatever I want, and then remember that there must be something that can bail me out and then expect God to fix it and take care of me. Which is also immature.

The only valid relationship with God is something which is responsible and responsive - where I do my part to the best of my ability and keep communication open and collaborate with the Divine Friend Father Mother God, the Great Creator, the Great Mystery.

There is nothing as scary as working together with God. That meditation time seems like going into anihilation and we try to avoid it at any cost, run away into - whatever - get a cup of coffee, work hard, sleep, become a devout Christian, try hard to get enlightened, etc.

So, when we do our daily mediatition asking God to help us see ourselves clearly, we need to expect this. There is a part of us that wants to find a good excuse and run away. Any excuse is a good excuse to run away.

Can I have the strength, the courage, the tenacity, to let myself have my ego exposed to me? Can I have the strength, the courage, the tenacity, to just stay there and meet God?

Try it... after you meditated for a long long time and are ready. Good luck.

What is God like?

I just parted ways with an aspiring boyfriend, let's call him S, who is a Born Again Christian. His idea of the world is based on sin, guilt, fear, and some kind of "love of god" that I don't really get because God is shown as ravengeful punishing thing that one must fear and appease. So, S. is trying to be "good" so that this "god" won't smack him. S. is deeply, emotionally, at the core of his being very afraid of God and actually has physical reactions out of that fear. It stops him from living his life. In short, S. (and most church goers) have a very immature idea of God as a "big daddy" that will punish them and thus rules them by fear.

I come from atheist background from a family that believes that "there is Something, but not like god from church". Unfortunately, we never explored further this Something. Unfortunately, then my own belief in God was rather immature too - I can do whatever I want and God is supposed to fix it all and keep me safe, happy, etc.

A mature relationship with God is more on equal level. Well, not really equal, because God is certainly not equal :) I mean, on a level where we willingly cooperate. I do the things that I need to do, and God provides. Me and God talk it over, I get instructions and guidance, I provide feedback as to how things are going, I have some say, etc. and I do it.

How do I know which things I need to do? That's a very good question :) The answer is only in meditation. Daily meditation.


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As for the aspiring boyfriend: he tried for 2 years to convert me. He tried to pretend he wasn't this "christian" thing and he never fully showed it, but he tried to convert me to his side, which I think is plain stupid. Religious fundamentalism is definitely soemthing that caused and still causes a lot of grief on this planet, and S. is a good example of that. His life is unhappy and clogged up, frozen, to the point of not functioning as a normal healthy human being would, and also always lieing, feeling guilty, suffering, trying to cover up his tracks, etc. What kind of "god" is that?

God wants us free, open, loving, compassionate, contributing, warm, productive, happy, healthy, and all that. He wants us to care for the world. If we dont do service and care - and this is not necessarily "mother Theresa" kind of service - then we are not following God.
OUR MAIN SERVICE IS BY BEING HONEST TO OURSELVES, FREE FROM MEGATIVE EMOTIONS, POSITIVE, CHEERFUL, AND DOING OUR DUTIES WILLINGLY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY, CARING FOR WHATEVER IS UNDER OUR CARE, WORKING FOR SOMETHING MUCH HIGHER THAN OUR OWN LITTLE ASS. As simple as that.

When people do not have the consciousness to udnerstand finer things, they make this very crude and low, they make it into rules and morals, fear, guilt, etc. That's their level of understanding... The only way is to increase the consciousness, the awareness, the maturity.